Hymn of Praise

Since middle school I have loved singing in choirs. In particular, I love church choirs. It is often said that music is a quick way to invite the Spirit into any meeting. I agree that it's true, and particularly being the one to sing the music.

Tonight I went to my first choir practice on years- we're talking I don't even remember the last choir I was apart of. My how wonderful it was! I'm not a fabulous singer by any stretch of the imagination, but I love music and I love how it can express the feelings of my heart so perfectly. Richard and I agree, while church choirs are meant to enhance the spirit of a given meeting, the impact of the music is most deeply felt by those who have dedicated time to practicing and performing it.

I am so grateful music has always been an important part of my home. As a child, each family home evening night we would gather around the piano and sing some hymn. I can often remember us singing more than one because we all would have our own requests, and too just because it was fun to sing together. On occasion, my sister and I would lure my mom to the piano and we would sing as many songs as she or we had time for. At the time it was just normal, now I see how truly peculiar and special that was. My mom's talent for playing the piano has blessed my family with treasured memories, and has given, at least me, a deep gratitude for the spirit of music.

Tonight was a blessing to my soul. No matter my singing ability, I feel grateful to praise God through music. He is truly miraculous.

Truth

One thing I learned in college is that truth is universal. No matter if it is spiritual or secular, truth is truth. And because of that I can have a meaningful moment with the Holy Ghost because whatever I am reading, listening to, or learning is exposing me to truth (which the Holy Ghost is meant to testify of). It is a powerful thing.

Tonight as I sat with my frozen yogurt in my lap perusing Pintrest until Ricky came up, I came across an interesting article about tantrums. As I read, that magical, pure, beautiful feeling came to my heart and whispered, "you're reading a truth."
(Article link: http://consciouslyparenting.blogspot.com/2012/02/alternative-view-of-tantrums-and.html?m=1)

I often think back to the best pre-mommy advice I have been given: "Do everything you can to qualify for the gift of the Holy Ghost." It has made all the difference. As I have deliberately sought the Holy Ghost to guide me in my parenting, it has found me and taught me the truths I need as a mother, wife, and friend.

I feel like a universal mom question is, "am I doing it right?" At least it's my question that I seem to pray about often. I am endlessly grateful for the confirmations I receive through the Holy Ghost that I'm doing okay.

The other day while reading the Friend to William during lunch time I had one of those moments- those pure, sweet, tears-pricking-my-eyes moments. I was experiencing a truth: what I was doing was right. Bam. That quick, that natural, that powerful. This has happened to me several times, and most leave me crying as I try to finish our story.

Another experience with truth has left me feeling answered. After having William, I felt like my attitude towards my body was very kind and realistic. After Carter, I admit, I have been struggling. I have been praying for personal kindness and vision to see the good, but (as many women understand) it has been an uphill battle. The other night I came across this wonderful site (Beauty Redefined). Among several of the articles I read, I read about getting your body back after having a baby. The author's friend is photographed in the article, with the words "I am beauty redefined" written on her body. As I looked at her picture and read the article, I had another run in with truth– I am okay, better yet, I am beautiful, I am known. I held back tears of gratitude for the answer to my prayers and of thanks to this sweet woman who shared a truth: our bodies change and that's okay! Beauty isn't in a perfect bod, beauty is in who you are, what you give yourself to, and in your divinity.

In a world that can feel like it is dripping in polluted corruption, I am thankful for the moments I find truth. I am thankful I can have spiritual moments in my day to day living. I know God is real. I know He loves us. I know He is in the details- that's where I see Him the best. I know He is teaching me. I know He cares. I couldn't be more grateful for this knowledge. Truth is power.

Desires of My Parent Heart

When I am in particularly sappy moods, I warn Rich by telling him I'm a sentimental-shmuck. He gets it by now that what follows is ooey and gooey in the love department. I just can't help myself though! All these happy, good feelings collide and what escapes is pungent with sticky, sappy love. I'm trying to write in journals for my boys (trying being the key word!), and I warned them there too that what is written will most likely be lots of sappy, sticky, ooey gooey, lovey-dovey expressions of how wonderful I think they are- because that's when I like writing best.
I live a rather wonderful, blessed life. It's not perfect by any means, and though the imperfect elements about myself and my life can be frustrating, it's okay because all in all, life (the big picture) is good.
Adding Carter to our family has been a terrific blessing. It has been testing to get used to all of the changes and new demands for patience and less "me time", but my how my love has grown! I feel wonderfully blessed to be a mom. Today felt like the most normal day since having Carter. I woke up and fed the 17 lb. chunk-a-hunk, made French toast for W and me, got W up, ate, put C down, then sat and played with W like we have done so many times. I mostly watched as W raced (aka softly padded back and forth) in his big dump truck outside. I took cute videos of him which he watched a good 20 times before losing interest. Then we got C up, fed him, got W fed and they both went back down for naps. Wow. Normal! It feels good.
When I think about my boys, two of the people I love most in this world, I naturally hope the absolute best for them. I think of the world they are growing up in, and pray for them to have moral courage to do what is right- no matter the sacrifice. I pray for them to have the moral courage to be protectors of women, defenders of virtue, and beacons of light to those they are around. I pray for them to be good friends to each other and to help one another through good and bad times. I hope they maximize their potential trough keeping covenants with God that add to their liberty and ability to make proactive life choices. I hope they come to feel the cleansing power of the atonement, because I know they'll need it.
There are so many deep desires of my heart. Sometimes I get a little anxious about wondering how they'll turn out. Rich is good to remind me that we do our best to teach them, and that's all we can do, the rest is their ability to choose. He's absolutely right.
A friend shared a talk with me by Sister Patricia Holland. In her talk, she explained many of my feelings and gave me much needed hope. She said, "...it seems that even if our children are not having problems, a nagging uneasiness keeps us wondering how we can keep them off such painful paths. At odd moments we find ourselves thinking, “Am I doing a good job? Are they going to make it? Should I spank them or should I reason with them? Should I control them or should I just ignore them? Reality has a way of making the best of us feel shaky as a parent." (Parenting: Everything to Do with the Heart)
She also shared this insight, "Every child has to practice on his mother, and in a more important way, every mother has to practice on her child. That is God’s way for parent and child to work out their salvation. I mentioned earlier that we all come into the world crying. Considering all the humbling purposes of life, perhaps it is understandable that we will continue to shed a tear or two from time to time. But it helps us to always remember that these are God’s children as well as ours. And above all, it should give us a perfect brightness of hope to know that when we need help we can go through the veil to get it."
I do worry so much about doing it (meaning parenting) right. I care so much about the seemingly small and insignificant details. It brings great comfort to know that I can take those concerns to the Lord and He will hear me out and help me understand with new eyes and a new heart.
I know in parenting I will make mistakes. I am so thankful for the power of forgiveness and the help of the atonement. I am not someone who makes parenting look easy. My flustered state gives me away all too quickly, but in spite of that, I hope people can see my inner desire for goodness, my inner desire to do the best I can for my kids. Like so many others, I am working to do my very best every day.
Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "...the human race doesn’t run on a smooth track. The route more closely resembles an obstacle course with hurdles, puddles, or snares lurking around every turn we make. Life isn’t meant to be easy. The race isn’t to be won by the swift or the flashy. Victory comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track—the strait and narrow way." (Lessons from Eve)
I relate to that quote so very much! I cannot say how grateful I am for my guiding force in my life. He is quick to lead and direct me, always.

Hold Fast, My Baby

Time is my friend and my enemy. It's fickle pace pushes my emotions. Too fast, too slow, but seldom just right. How can that be?
Sweet Carter Jefferson is two months old. Precious William McKay is twenty-two months old. My dear boys, you're growing so fast! There are days when I can't wait for them to hit the next phase. I want to see more of who they are and what they're thinking. Then there are days where I want them to stay just as little as they are, and wrap them up in the joy of their present.
I feel so terribly, wonderfully in love! These sweet little angels are mine, and I get to teach them day in and day out. What a remarkable challenge and opportunity !
Several days ago I went in to get William up (hardly happens!) as I walked in and looked down at my baby he was gone! In his place laid a little toddler boy- one whose legs stretched the length of his crib, and whose once swaddled limbs lay sprawled out, clutching his favorite lovies. In that moment my breath caught and I thought, "oh, hold fast, my boy! You're growing so quick!"
Each day with my boys is a tremendous blessing. I find myself more wildly in love with them as the days pass. For all the hard hurdles we jump together, I cherish when my rose colored shades light up my vision and I see how beautiful life really is.

I love you, my dear boys, more than heart and words can express. Thank you, God for giving me the best.

Mother Heart

There is so much on this mother heart of mine. This morning I boxed up Carter's newborn clothes. It feels like we just welcomed this sweet boy into our family, and yet it feels right that he's growing and changing... Time speeds quickly along.
Rich and I spent two solid weeks sick as can be in the six weeks after Carter was born. I felt overwhelmed so often. The newness of a sweet newborn and being sick felt like too much to handle. I prayed a lot, and feel like I have learned to see Heavenly Father's help in a new way; in the way He is extending it to me.
In my church, the women 18 years and older go to a class called Relief Society. One of the establishing goals has long been to offer relief. Never before have I seen and felt the relief this society offers more than in the last six weeks. I was strengthened by the encouraging words from William's nursery leader who gave me hope that William would adjust, I was visited by loving leaders who listened to my postpartum emotions and brought me "vegan" cheese (because of Carter's needs), my family was nourished by a caring visiting teacher and relief society leader who brought us food on one of our sick weeks, and Carter was wrapped in love by all the gifts people brought for him. I have never felt so fortunate to belong to this society of women who, in spite of human frailties, work so hard to lift up the one in need and be the hands of God. Help is one of the hardest things to ask for, and yet one of the most needed things to receive.
As I am adjusting to waking up often in the night again, and dealing with another baby who spits up a lot, grunts, and has to work hard for a good BM, I have been truly humbled by my limits and my need for heaven's help. The other night Carter was having an exceptionally rough night. I was so tired; all I wanted was to sleep for an hour or two more, and yet my babe was distressed and I was his only relief. After thinking a strand of discouraging thoughts, I took Carter out of our room, laid him in his crib, shut the door, and came to kneel in supplication for help. My prayer was honest, I needed strength to help my baby, and perspective to get me there. I went back in, and rocked Carter until his pain and discomfort went away. An hour or two later I woke up. Never have I felt so grateful to sleep in a rocking chair! I'm not sure why, but part of me is reluctant to share my supplication and received help. Maybe because my heart is so humbled at my weaknesses, and maybe it's because for me, sleep in a rocking chair is God's hand being shown to me- it's my way of knowing He cares and is listening. But either way, through motherhood, I am being taught and shown my weaknesses and how to overcome them step by step- even the humbling ones.
In speaking of being humbled as I mother two boys, I came across a beautiful article that strengthened my spirits. http://www.shortstopblog.com/2013/08/to-moms-of-one-or-two-children.html?m=1
I love how positive this woman is. I exited her blog feeling validated for all the mixture of emotions I've been feeling; particularly that of being maxed out. Motherhood takes so much time and energy. Just getting the boys fed, bathed, pajamas on, teeth (for W) brushed, and settled into bed feels like a nightly sprit, and lets face it- I've never been that good at sprinting! In high school I did the 300 meter hurdles, and we have a video of me my sophomore/senior years competing in the district 300 meter race... It's so painful to watch! But even though I performed terribly, I did finish the races both times, and although getting my babies settled at night seems crazy busy, I am able to do it every night, and am able to cross that "finish line" where I melt into my bed and fade to la la land. This mommy business is serious work; the hardest I've ever done! But it is so, so worth it!!
As a new mom, I loved how William would snuggle his face into my neck after nursing. I would sit and hold my baby and just feel like the luckiest mom ever. I had a baby who loved me and whom I loved more than my heart could describe. With Carter, I get to enjoy that same sweetness. Last night I thought to myself how beautiful a feeling it was to sit there patting my baby cheek to cheek. It's a God-given moment where I feel His grace. How blessed I am to be a mom!
My best friend from high school came to visit us this last month, and in talking I explained how I want to be real about motherhood; it is so hard at times, but it is also the best, most worthwhile thing I have ever done. I wouldn't give it up, trade, or wait longer to have what I do now. I have many moments where I think/have thought, "I just can't do this..." And it's true, I alone can't/couldn't. But God has been good to me, and where no outside help is available, He has shown me the way, given me the strength and patience, or sent his angels (a lot of the time being my husband) to shoulder what I can't any more. I am grateful to have an unlimited amount of "phone a friend"'s that I can rely on: prayer has no limits.
Motherhood is such an adventure!

Tutor

The week prior to having Carter, William was an emotional basket case! I found myself wondering repeatedly, "what were we thinking?! We can't do this— I can't do this!" I wondered repeatedly how to meet Will's unknown, unpredictable needs with a newborn and his new, unknown, unpredictable needs as well.
I'm pretty sure any realistic, honest mom would admit to the fact that motherhood is full of extremes: superb happiness and thrill followed by pressing, forceful demand for deeper character than thought possible. I feel it honest to say, motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never had to be so patient continuously, more selfless, or as penitent and submissive to impressions than as a mother. I have never felt such surging joy, protection, and love over a person as I have as a mother. Not just over my children, but that love has encompassed my darling husband, and a deeper adoration for my parents and family members.
When I look at the reality of motherhood, I believe it takes true grit. It's not a task to embark on because "babies are cute." Their sweetness is motivation, yes, but not cause alone. Raising another human being has far reaching implications to society and to the world of that individual who belongs to a family unit.

I came across this quote which I think applies to this heavy task of motherhood. "The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that to be like God we must go "from one small degree to another, and from a small capacity to a great one; from grace to grace, from exaltation to exaltation, until you attain to the resurrection of the dead, and are able to dwell in everlasting burnings, and to sit in glory, as do those who sit enthroned in everlasting power" ( "Be Ye Therefore Perfect": Beyond the Perfectionist Paradigm", Allan D. Rau).

Motherhood is my divine tutor.

Dreamer

Over the last month or two I've had several dreams where I wake up having born my purest, deepest conviction of the atonement. Normally my dreams are a mix of random, unrelated, hopefully never to come true events, but these testimony dreams have been uniquely powerful and real. I have woken up with a bright smile on my face (or maybe it's just in my heart... ;)), and with the desire to have those words apart of my whole day. As I have grown in my conversion and strength in the gospel of Jesus Christ I have had two principles etched unmistakably into my heart: 1) God hears and answers my prayers, 2) the power of the atonement is real and applies directly to me.

After reading Chieko Okazaki's book, "Lighten Up," she has become a spiritual heroine of mine. I want to be like this woman when I grow up. She puts the atonement in personal perspective, because the atonement is precisely that: personal. She expresses:

"Well, my dear sisters, the gospel is the good news that can free us from guilt. We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It's our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don't think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don't experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.
Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. His last recorded words to his disciples were, "And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He's been there. He's been lower than all that. He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief." (Lighten Up, Preface, p. 174)

I love sweet Sister Okazaki. Her faith invigorates my own.

I feel like Sister Okazaki, the atonement is often spoken of in its grander: "The Savior atoned for the sins if all mankind," "the Savior atoned for the sorrows of all mankind." But we seldom look at our lives as very grand, and because of that we feel to wait to call upon the power of the atonement until some grand event does come into our lives.

The atonement was meant to be highly personal and individually applicable. There are burdens and worries too personal to share publicly, and too constant to bear alone. This is one of the many reasons we have the atonement. We need not wait until some grand event occurs to work on finding the balm in Gilead, the peace of the Savior's atonement.

The atonement gives us the capacity to do things beyond our current strength. It gives us hope when all hope seems to have run out on us. It lifts the burdens we cannot carry alone and frees us from personal hellish torment of spirit and mind. The atonement cleanses and purifies our hearts to become more than we are. It enables us to see the good in our spirits, and allows trespasses to be forgiven completely.

We do not need to do anything in life alone. The Savior is there for all circumstances. Through His compassion and healing we can walk each day guided by the Spirit, and with hope of becoming.

God is in the details of my life. I am a simple woman, and He reminds me of His presence and His eternal care through the simple things around me.

I know the atonement is real. Its application is in the every day details of our lives. Though we are just one of many spirits our Father created, we must remember that He created us and has pure love for us, and that that fact alone is reason enough for us to daily turn to the atonement for comfort, healing, and purification.