On Tuesday, Rich was at young men's (youth group) so I did bed time alone. We did our usual routine, bath, pj's, scriptures, prayer, song. While I sang to William, he stood on the inside of his crib with his arms wrapped around my neck, his teddy bear smooshed in the hug with us. I felt his sweet little head rest against my face and all I could think about was the tremendous love I have for this boy. I stopped my singing to just talk to him. Because I am maybe a bit on the ridiculously sentimental side, I asked him if he could feel how much I love him, if he knew how happy he makes me and the purpose he fills my heart with. I told him that I am so glad his dad and I get to raise him, and then I just watched as he snuggled in and absorbed the silence we shared. It was a simple moment that has filled my heart.
Motherhood is an incredible profession. From the time I can remember, I innately loved babies and taking care of them. I drug countless baby dolls around as a little girl, and when my poor little brother arrived, he became my human doll. I still have to catch myself from trying to over mother him. I am simply amazed by the innate desire in me to nurture. There is something so fulfilling and empowering about it.
Recently, I listened to an older General Conference talk by Elder Robert D. Hales. He gave a story about how one day he was sitting reading the news paper, while his grandson snuggled beside him and jabbered on. After a few minutes had gone by, his grandson turned to him and said, "grandpa, are you in there?" Elder Hales then asked the question, "mother, father, are you there?" Out of his whole talk, I have thought repeatedly on that question. Am I really there? When I am with William, am I really with him? Or am I too worried about projects to be done, the Internet to peruse, or cleaning our blaze of a mess?
I realize all things have a time and a purpose. I don't feel like it is harmful to William if I spend time cleaning, or chat on the phone with my mom while he plays. But how much time am I dedicating to those things verses how much time am I dedicating to really being with William? While much of my instincts are natural in the nurturing department, I am increasingly aware of my gratitude for the power of inspiration. I do try to do my best to be a good mom, and because my desires are in the right place, I often have thoughts or impressions come to mind that inspire me to be a better mom. The question often comes to mind, "is that (whatever I'm doing instead of helping Will) so important?" And often times the answer is, "no." I am grateful I don't have to try to be a good mom on my own. Someone much wiser than me gives me the help and direction I need as I seek daily help; what a comfort that is!
I have hope that out of the thousands of ways to be a good mom, He'll help me be the type of "good mom" my children need. He will help me to be the type of mom that is really there; for the big things and especially the daily small things. God knows my children better than I ever will, and I trust His direction.
I think success in motherhood is calculated in the smallest of small moments. It's simply doing your best to be present and attentive. The magical moments then happen in natural stride, without planning or preparation; they come because you're there, you're really there. My children will come to learn how overly mushy and sentimental I can be, but they are going to have to deal with it ;) I want them to hear my voice of love and encouragement when they are feeling sad, lost, or confused. I want them to know they are my world, because they are. I want them to remember the things we did together, the things I did for them, and the feelings they had because I was really there.
Out of all the things I could do with my time and talents, being a mother who is truly there is the best thing I can think of.
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