When I was a Senior in high school I endured the most painful trial of my life. Because of its extreme personal nature I will not go into full detail, but I will share all that I feel prompted to write.
As I have already expressed, finding out that my brother is gay was very difficult for all of us. In my young immature mind it was hard to completely understand (I never saw him as gay- so I guess you could say it was a huge paradigm shift).
A little bit before my senior year of high school, a good friend of mine from when I was a pre-teen expressed to me that she felt like she was a lesbian. This threw a curve ball right into my jaw. I was shocked and had no idea what to say. I had already felt the close relationship with my sweet brother loosen (because I'm not the best at talking openly about uncomfortable things- especially things that could hurt feelings b/c of different view points) and now a friend too? Why would God allow this? Why were people I cared so deeply about experiencing these things that would inevitably lead them away from God because of His express command that all romantic relations are to be between a man and women (married)?
This began the frontal attack on my faith and everything I knew to be true. My mind felt trapped in a prison of questions, words of disbelief from the Adversary, and my constant efforts to defend myself against these things. It was, to put it lightly, exhausting in every way. There would be times I would slip into my bedroom, lay on the floor between my bed and the wall so no one could see me, and I would begin to pour out my heart in open frustration to God accompanied by many tears. I had no idea how to get better.
My prayers opened a new understanding to me though. As I prayed I could often feel at least one of two things. 1) God loved me and was aware of me, and 2) My Savior, because of His atonement, knew perfectly the depth of my sorrow and the snare of my mind. My soul was touched often by moments of sweet relief as I would ask for rest in Christ. Because of the necessity it was for me to so earnestly turn and ask for help, I found that balm in Giliad spoken of in the scriptures.
This was my state for months.
One night, as I was in secret prayer, I explained to God that I didn't care anymore if I had to suffer this mental hell for the rest of my life (even though I didn't want to!), I would be true to the faith I had come to know so deeply and so personally throughout my life. With this prayer being offered, I attended a church meeting for all the young women in our congregation (it reached out to all Klamath Falls, Keno, Lakeview, Bonanza, and some small towns in CA). There I listened to a talk given by a woman in our congregation. She expressed many things, including this, "Satan wants to control our thoughts so he can control us. If he has control over our thoughts there's no telling what he can do with our lives." Those words were sweet relief to my soul!! At last! The answer I so desperately needed! In a very literal sense, it felt like my mind was released and no longer captivated.
The complete healing took time. I would have to remind myself of those words and combat the Adversary's attempts to sneak back in my mind. I would pray for angels to guard my mind and help me, as well as for the comfort of Christ's atonement. My heart, still, is pricked with tender gratitude for the grace and protection I received.
Through this trial, I learned that Christ is real and His atonement is truly infinite. There is no doubt in my mind that He has the ability to heal all and any wounds if we turn our hearts to Him. I am humbled by His love and compassion for me. I have learned to trust in God's timing. Due to the length of my sore trial, I have this testimony embedded in my soul- it is real, personal, and a continuous strength to me.
I give you my personal testimony that God is real. Christ's sacrifice applies to all men. He died on the cross for our sins and our sorrows. He knows each one of us perfectly and has the ability to change our lives for the best.
I am eternally grateful for the healing I found in Christ.
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