Rich and I spent two solid weeks sick as can be in the six weeks after Carter was born. I felt overwhelmed so often. The newness of a sweet newborn and being sick felt like too much to handle. I prayed a lot, and feel like I have learned to see Heavenly Father's help in a new way; in the way He is extending it to me.
In my church, the women 18 years and older go to a class called Relief Society. One of the establishing goals has long been to offer relief. Never before have I seen and felt the relief this society offers more than in the last six weeks. I was strengthened by the encouraging words from William's nursery leader who gave me hope that William would adjust, I was visited by loving leaders who listened to my postpartum emotions and brought me "vegan" cheese (because of Carter's needs), my family was nourished by a caring visiting teacher and relief society leader who brought us food on one of our sick weeks, and Carter was wrapped in love by all the gifts people brought for him. I have never felt so fortunate to belong to this society of women who, in spite of human frailties, work so hard to lift up the one in need and be the hands of God. Help is one of the hardest things to ask for, and yet one of the most needed things to receive.
As I am adjusting to waking up often in the night again, and dealing with another baby who spits up a lot, grunts, and has to work hard for a good BM, I have been truly humbled by my limits and my need for heaven's help. The other night Carter was having an exceptionally rough night. I was so tired; all I wanted was to sleep for an hour or two more, and yet my babe was distressed and I was his only relief. After thinking a strand of discouraging thoughts, I took Carter out of our room, laid him in his crib, shut the door, and came to kneel in supplication for help. My prayer was honest, I needed strength to help my baby, and perspective to get me there. I went back in, and rocked Carter until his pain and discomfort went away. An hour or two later I woke up. Never have I felt so grateful to sleep in a rocking chair! I'm not sure why, but part of me is reluctant to share my supplication and received help. Maybe because my heart is so humbled at my weaknesses, and maybe it's because for me, sleep in a rocking chair is God's hand being shown to me- it's my way of knowing He cares and is listening. But either way, through motherhood, I am being taught and shown my weaknesses and how to overcome them step by step- even the humbling ones.
In speaking of being humbled as I mother two boys, I came across a beautiful article that strengthened my spirits. http://www.shortstopblog.com/2013/08/to-moms-of-one-or-two-children.html?m=1
I love how positive this woman is. I exited her blog feeling validated for all the mixture of emotions I've been feeling; particularly that of being maxed out. Motherhood takes so much time and energy. Just getting the boys fed, bathed, pajamas on, teeth (for W) brushed, and settled into bed feels like a nightly sprit, and lets face it- I've never been that good at sprinting! In high school I did the 300 meter hurdles, and we have a video of me my sophomore/senior years competing in the district 300 meter race... It's so painful to watch! But even though I performed terribly, I did finish the races both times, and although getting my babies settled at night seems crazy busy, I am able to do it every night, and am able to cross that "finish line" where I melt into my bed and fade to la la land. This mommy business is serious work; the hardest I've ever done! But it is so, so worth it!!
As a new mom, I loved how William would snuggle his face into my neck after nursing. I would sit and hold my baby and just feel like the luckiest mom ever. I had a baby who loved me and whom I loved more than my heart could describe. With Carter, I get to enjoy that same sweetness. Last night I thought to myself how beautiful a feeling it was to sit there patting my baby cheek to cheek. It's a God-given moment where I feel His grace. How blessed I am to be a mom!
My best friend from high school came to visit us this last month, and in talking I explained how I want to be real about motherhood; it is so hard at times, but it is also the best, most worthwhile thing I have ever done. I wouldn't give it up, trade, or wait longer to have what I do now. I have many moments where I think/have thought, "I just can't do this..." And it's true, I alone can't/couldn't. But God has been good to me, and where no outside help is available, He has shown me the way, given me the strength and patience, or sent his angels (a lot of the time being my husband) to shoulder what I can't any more. I am grateful to have an unlimited amount of "phone a friend"'s that I can rely on: prayer has no limits.
Motherhood is such an adventure!
No comments:
Post a Comment